5 Pictures to NOT have on your profile

So, in an effort to continue with Man Plan ‘09, I signed up for eHarmony.  Mostly because I’ve done Match.com and I was curious about the eHarmony process.

Once I filled out the exhausting, and exhaustive, personality profile, I clicked on “My Matches” and was instantly…under-whelmed.  I’ll post about how I went through 176 matches and came up with ONE guy later this week.  Today, I want to talk about what kinds of pictures NOT to post on your profile.  Because seriously?  Some people need a clue.  So, I’m going to talk to the guys today.  Listen up and take notes because I’m not always this helpful. ☺

Here goes my lovelies, Auntie Chelle’s Top Five Pictures to FOR GODSAKE NOT POST ON YOUR PROFILE:

1. Pictures of you on a motorcycle, in your convertible, or on your four-wheeler.  Yes, YOU think you look cool.  The women who are looking at you?  All we see is a guy straddling his mid-life crisis.  Really, we’re pretty much over that before it starts.  The only exception to this rule is you on a horse.  We’re all suckers for a guy on a horse, and yes it probably does bring back memories of Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming, and yes we’ll deny it until our dying breath because damnit we can take care of ourselves, but — we still think a guy on a horse is hot.  Otherwise, take it down.

2. Pictures of you with any woman who looks to be of date-able age.  Okay, maybe she really is your daughter/cousin/sister/coworker/First-grade teacher/whatever.  To the women looking at your profile?  It looks like you’re trying to convince us you’re shopping in Victoria’s Secret for your mother and we’re not buying what you’re trying to sell. Take it down.

3. Dead Animals.  No, I’m not kidding.  I live in the South, so maybe it’s just my neck of the woods, but of the 176 matches eHarmony sent me, I counted no less than four men who’ve posted pictures of themselves holding the head of a dead deer.  Really guys, we prefer to think that our meat grows in those little white styrofoam dishes.  And while I know there are women who either don’t mind hunting, or are maybe hunter’s themselves, I still say put down the dead dear picture and back away.  Leave a little mystery.  Dead animals aren’t hot, cool, or romantic.  They’re gross.  Take it down.

4. Any picture of you dressed in camouflage holding any kind of weapon, and no I don’t care if it’s a toy or Halloween.  Again, maybe it’s because I live in the South but there was definitely more than one guy who thought this was a good idea.  It doesn’t matter. Weapons are only hot for other guys and I’m assuming if you’re popping up under my matches you’re looking for a girl.  Take it down.

5. Any picture of you not smiling or not looking directly at the camera or wearing sunglasses.  We want to see your face and eyes.  If we can’t see your face and eyes, we immediately start wondering what you’re trying to hide.  And that picture your sister took of you in your sweats watching football?  Not sexy.  Take it down.

6. Any picture where you are part of the background.  I added this one at the last minute because I just saw this on a new match I got today.  The guy had put a little caption under the picture to tell me that he was in the background, third from the left.  Uhhhh, no.  If the picture you’re posting isn’t of YOU, take it down.

Think of your profile and the pictures you post as your “interview suit”.  Make sure it’s clean, doesn’t smell, and most of all, represents you.  If you’re conservative, then “wear” that blue suit and crisp white shirt.  If you’re in a creative field, then you’re going to be able to get away with not wearing a tie.  But, be on your best behavior.  If you don’t think you can be charming without coming off as smarmy, then at least be respectful and nice.  A good rule of thumb: don’t say anything in your profile, or post any pictures, you wouldn’t want your grandmother to read or see.

Here’s the deal: your picture needs to be a good shot of your face.  Take off the ball cap, comb your damn hair and smile.  And don’t give me any of that crap about you can’t find or don’t have a good picture of yourself.  Just about everyone these days has a digital camera and almost all of them have a timer.  Get out the manual, figure out how the timer works, put the camera on a flat surface, and take pictures until you get a good one.  If you’re not sure about the pic, then ask a woman friend.  Trust me, they will be more than happy to help you.  We looooove to do that kind of stuff.

You know what we think when we see all those pictures I talked about?  We think you don’t really want to be there.  That you’re half-assing it and secretly hoping no one will contact you.  Well sugarplum, you’re going to get your wish.

If you want us to contact you, or respond to your “ice breakers” and “nudges”, etc then we need you to BE YOU.  Because YOU are who we’re looking for, and we can tell when you’re not keeping it real.  And, okay, maybe you are Hunter-Harley guy.  Fine. Good.  No problem.  But remember, you’re on an interview.  Put your best foot forward.  Tell us all that other stuff later.  First, let us fall in love with your pretty face, nice manners and clean suit.

More than anything though, act like you want us to think you’re hot!  I’ll let you in on a little secret, if we’re on a dating site we WANT to think you’re hot.  We WANT to find you romantic.  We’re there because we’re looking for our freaking Person and we WANT it to be You.

Don’t screw it up by making it easy for us to click Next.